Heather Locklear, the former “Melrose Place” star has been fined and placed on informal probation. She plead no contest to a reduced charge of reckless driving. This plea reduced the original charge of driving under the influence of prescription drugs. Heather was fined $700 and ordered to take a 12-hour driving program. In June, she checked herself into rehab for what was termed “anxiety and depression,” likely doublespeak for another issue. In September, she was pulled over for driving erratically and was found to be under the influence of prescription drugs.

If Heather has problems with prescription drugs, the State of California has just acted as her “enabler.” A more caring act would have been to have arranged a return to rehab.

Don’t be ashamed if you or a loved one has a problem with prescription drugs; according to the National Institute of Drug Abuse, it’s been on the rise for 10 years. In 2004, 9.3 percent of 12-graders reported using Vicodin. And in this troubled economy, people turn even more to substance abuse for relief. A spokesman for Mainstream Kansas City Inc., an alcohol and drug rehab treat center said, “we’re seeking an extreme uptick in the abuse of pharmacological drugs. We have noticed it for several years, but it really became more pronounced in the last few months.

If Heather has a problem with prescription drugs, the State of California has just enabled her to continue. A sentence that could have actually helped Heather would have to returned her to rehab for an extended stay. Sending her home doesn’t help her at all.

I hope Heather’s friends and family reach out to help her in this difficult time. As a recovering addict myself, I know how difficult it can be, especially with a perception that the eyes of the world are upon her.

According to the National Institute of Drug Abuse, prescription drug abuse has been the rise for over 10 years. In 2004, 9.3 percent of 12th-graders reported using Vicodin without a prescription. And in this economy, people turn even more to substance abuse. A spokesman for Mainstream Kansas City Inc., an alcohol and drug rehab treatment center said “we’re seeing an extreme uptick in the abuse of pharmacological drugs. We have noticed it for several years, but it really became more pronounced in the last few months.” Heather, you get past this!

I’m very impressed with the state of mind of John Travolta and his wife, Kelly Preston, upon the tragic and unexpected death of their 16 year old son, Jett. Rather than looking for someone or something to blame for his death, they posted this statement on John’s website: “Jett was the most wonderful son that two parents could ever ask for and lit up the lives of everyone he encountered. We are heartbroken that our time with him was so brief. We will cherish the time we had with him for the rest of our lives.”

This is such a positive response to what many would perceive as a negative situation. It’s not that the Travolta’s won’t grieve, as they should. It’s the gratitude they are able to feel, no matter the circumstances. I commend them both.

Dear Oprah,

America (and quite possibly the world) has been watching your private battle of the bulge for the last 20 years, and we feel your pain. Having battled an eating disorder myself (along with other addictions), I understand what you’re going through. Now, as a health & wellness educator, I often work with people who are going through hard times with their weight. So I hope you’ll forgive my presumption here and allow me to offer a few words of advice.

But before that, let me say how much I appreciate the way in which you share your private journey on such a public stage. When celebrities are willing to show their weaknesses, it makes it much easier for the rest of us to admit we may have the same problem and to take the necessary steps to heal. So thank you for courage.

I know you plan a mea culpa address on January 5th on The Oprah Winfrey Show to kick off Best Life Week. Please stop apologizing for your inability to keep off the weight you lost through the drastic liquid diet that helped you shed 60 pounds. You’ve gained back 40 of those pounds, but it’s nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about. You don’t have to be mad at yourself for “falling off the wagon.” Addictions are impossible to heal when you haven’t fully addressed the original wounds that created the addiction in the first place.

Because you have shared your story with the public, I feel safe in observing that the trauma you experienced as a child growing up in Mississippi, moving a lot and shuffling between households, and being sexually abused by your uncle, cousin, and a family friend all left deep scars. Becoming pregnant at fourteen and having your son die shortly after birth was an enormous emotional burden to bear at such a young age. As you have said in the past, “I’ve felt safer and more protected when I was heavy. Food has always been comforting.”

I, too, turned to food—along with alcohol, Valium, and promiscuity—as a way to bury the pain of the sexual abuse I had experienced from the age of two until I was twelve, by my father and by the priest he confessed to. The cold, uncaring attitude of my mother didn’t help. By the time I was in my mid-twenties, I had cancer. It was only by facing the truth of what had happened that I was able to heal from the cancer.

More nutrition and/or exercise gurus won’t help you get to the root of the problem. It’s important to remember that the power to heal the original wound that created this behavior and the power to heal the emotional pain lies only within you. The abuse you lived through as a child left you with a deep well of shame. In my healing work, I would call this a distortion of the second chakra, the energy center most related to substance abuse and addiction. If the healthy flow of energy is blocked in the second chakra, we can develop poor boundaries with others and within ourselves. The second chakra also governs how we find pleasure.

When you are unhappy, not feeling good, you go back to food.

You are an educated woman, a brave woman who brought sexual abuse out in the open in many of your shows, but you have not yet dispelled all the lingering shame from the early abuse. It’s that place that can get triggered. Look at what happened around the time you started to pack the pounds back on. Did it coincide with the awful abuse scandal at your girls’ leadership school in Africa? When you went racing to Africa to deal with the situation, you apologized to the pupils and parents at the school “I’ve disappointed you. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” As if their abuse was your personal shame.

“I was, needless to say, devastated and really shaken to my core when I first heard this news,” Winfrey said. Young girls being shamed and abused in a place you had established as a safe haven for them would have brought up all the past demons of your life, and triggered your shame. Food would have been the natural way to self-medicate from the pain of the reopened early childhood wounds.

As we get older, the emotional pain and traumatic experiences that we have buried deep within come back to haunt us—frequently as physical problems. Thyroid conditions are rampant among women because most women never vocalize the shame and pain of their lives. Here you are, possibly the most vocal women on the planet today, who has spoken out often about abuse and acted swiftly to fix the situation in Africa, and yet there are still things you can’t say—even to yourself.

Thyroid problems relate to the fifth chakra, the energy center located at the throat, and are commonly connected to blockages in the second chakra. Accessing and releasing the buried shame would not be hard for you with a little help. You have become so much more conscious over the years, and so much more aware of the way the dots connect between emotions and physical difficulties.

When you go back to food for comfort, it is a sign for you that your energy field is out of balance. You speak of balance in O magazine, and external balance between work and the rest of our lives is important, no doubt. But, first and foremost, the balance of our own energy field is vital if we are to be healthy and happy.

Let’s also acknowledge the difficulty inherent in being a food addict. Those addicted to booze or cigarettes or drugs can live without those substances, but we need to eat in order to live. And as we addicts know, a little something often leads to a lot more of that something. And we don’t have the option of staying away from food altogether.

Many people are not willing or able to look inside and see the reason they are starving or stuffing their bodies. They are trying to stave off the hurt and the pain without confronting and releasing it. Far more powerful than fitting into size 10 Calvin Klein jeans is the feeling that you don’t ever have to be ashamed of what happened to you. Shame is such a dense energy. Children wear shame as if it belongs to them. The longer they carry that trance of shame into adulthood, they will unconsciously find ways of shaming themselves over and over again. “I was talking the talk, but I wasn’t walking the walk. And that was very disappointing to me,” is said by someone who still feels the shame of her lost little girl.

You are walking the walk. It just isn’t a straight path. Our life challenges spiral back around again and again so we can face them from a slightly more conscious place each time. You are a brave lady for putting it front and center so all those who watch you can be inspired to take on their own demons. You’re a warrior in the cause of self-improvement!

Find a beautiful dress for the inauguration and go with your head held high, your heart full of hope for a better world that you are instrumental in creating. Whatever your size, you will always loom large in minds and hearts of us all. When you finally wipe away the remnants of old shame, the pounds will melt away!

Originally published in the Huffington Post

Body Language of Obama and McCain

Yesterday’s meeting of Obama and McCain revealed interesting body language. Obama had his legs widely crossed, he lounged back in his chair and angled his body toward McCain, all of which signified openness and a high level of ease. McCain, on the other hand, seemed pretty ill at ease. That’s not a criticism — any of us would feel the same. His legs were crossed very tightly (more like a woman’s), he sat up ramrod straight and his body was angled straight ahead, not at Obama. All of this simply demonstrates  that we can’t hide how we really feel to others — our bodies speak louder than words.

Last night was a momentous occasion in the history of this country, and in the world. Racial barriers not only crumbled, they disintegrated. Young Afro-Americans have a new image of what they can become when they grow up. And all of us can see in the spousal body language of Barack and Michelle Obama what it means to have real love and intimacy in a marriage relationship.

Those were real heartwarming hugs and kisses, direct eye contact and ear-to-ear smiles. The joy was apparent, as clear as the fact that they were in this together. During his speech last night, Obama said, “We would not be standing here tonight without the unyielding support of my best friend of the last 16 years, the rock of our family, the love of my life, the nation’s next first lady, Michelle Obama.” Or as Whoppi Goldberg put it on this morning’s The View, there will be “a whole lot of whooping going on” in the Obama White House.

Body language tells us a lot about people. And what it tells us about our next President and his First Lady is that the White House will be a true home filled with tenderness and love, a place of safety and security for their two girls, and a place from which compassion and understanding can radiate out to the world.

The romance is obviously over. If John McCain could have gotten away with   not hugging Sarah Palin on stage at the rally in Hershey, Pennsylvania, he certainly would have done so. His body language spoke loud and clear as they fake hugged: “Let’s get this over with. You’re the worst thing that ever happened to me. You’re going to wind up being the reason I lose the presidency.” It’s hard to look like good buddies who plan to run the country together–or like the prom queen and her grandfather–when I can see plainly that they can barely stand next to each other without silent daggers shooting from their eyes.

It’s a long way from the outright adoration McCain had for Palin at the Republican National Convention. His arms opened wide, his smile genuine. “Swoon, swoon. She makes me feel like a young buck. She’s going to energize the base. And she’s so hot!” In Hershey, the sweetness was gone. Holding hands, they stood as far apart as possible. I see it like the body language at the end of a marriage - in public the couple is pretending all is well, when at home the slamming doors say more than words.

We don’t need to be told that there is a major strain between Palin and McCain’s advisers, with one of his aides describing her as a “whack job” who is ignoring their advice. Even as McCain was saying “When two mavericks join up we don’t agree on everything, but it’s a lot of fun.” What fun? His attempts to look convivial were as fake as the rhetoric in his campaign ads. Hey, the crowd hadn’t come to see him anyway. The barracuda received the loudest cheers, and some of the audience left after she had spoken and before McCain began.

Seems the “diva gone rogue” is busily hoping McCain doesn’t ruin her future career — whatever that may be. Her body language speaks loudly as well: “I’ve got this old coot wrapped around my little finger. I’ll put up with him a little while longer. . . until I get what I want.”

If there’s one thing I know based on observing their body language, there is no love lost between these two. It’s all fake smiles, fake hugs, fake hand holding, and two people leaning away from each other - as far away as they can get. Politics does indeed make for strange bedfellows.

Originally posted in The Huffington Post — 10.29.2008

The other day, I bumped into a close female friend of mine who has long suffered  from alopecia, which means hair loss. Over the years, I have worked with myriad clients and friends, all victims of permanent hair loss, along with many who have endured temporary hair loss as a result of chemotherapy. One client of mine even went completely bald as a result of stress—she lost all her hair following an extensive and consuming remodel of her home. Many women with hair loss issues come to Los Angeles in the hopes that the L.A. professionals will be able to help them. After all, if you can’t get great-looking hair in Hollywood, where can you go?

A surprisingly large percentage of females have either very thin hair or are completely bald. Of the total number of Americans who suffer from hair loss, up to forty percent are women. Research indicates that, in the United States alone, approximately 25-30 million women are affected by some form of hair loss. And men think they have it bad! At the very least, male baldness is widely accepted in most cultures, and very often is even regarded as sexy.

What are the causes of female hair thinning and hair loss? Common causes include autoimmune conditions, such as lupus, in combination with stress. Nutritional deficits, such as low-carb diets or imbalances of certain nutrients, such as Vitamin A, zinc, manganese, B6, essential fatty acids, and iron, can also cause women to lose their hair. Drug side effects and certain hormonal conditions can also cause female hair loss, as can birth control pills. Anything that has the potential to negatively affect our minds, our emotions, or our physical selves has the potential to induce hair loss.

Most women deal with their thinning hair in silence, and the secret is incredibly painful to keep. Hair loss is more in the closet than homosexuality these days, as women rarely discuss this issue even with their closest friends. Since hair loss is not life-threatening, the medical community deflates the significance of hair loss for women, offering little in the way of support or treatment. But female hair loss is certainly a big deal, no matter what the doctors say. The psychological pressure to conform to absurd standards of beauty and lifestyle are difficult enough—as it stands, women must attempt to stay in shape, wear the proper clothing, earn their own money, maintain perfect relationships, and raise decent children. Worries about hair loss only exacerbate the disparity between the modern woman and her idealized self-image, chipping away at her already fragile self-esteem.

Hair loss can occur as early as a woman’s teenaged years, played out under the microscope of intense peer pressure. In order to maintain any sense of positive self image, these young girls must lie to friends and potential dates about something so beyond their control. A newly divorced woman face similar obstacles—re-entering the world of dating and mating, this woman feels pressured to lie to her suitors about the status of her hair, or her lack thereof. When we imagine a woman at her most sensual, slowly stripping to climb into bed with her partner, her hair does not usually land next to her pile of sexy lingerie.

Amy Gibson was starring on a daytime soap opera when she started losing her hair from alopecia areata, an auto-immune condition that eventually left her permanently bald. At the onset, she was only 13 years old. She managed to keep her condition a secret through decades of soap stardom. Eventually, in an effort to help other women in similar situations go “from feeling like a victim to being victorious” (amyspresence.com), Gibson decided to break her silence. A brave and compassionate woman, she now publicly sports different wigs in a variety of colors and styles—and she looks stunning in all of them!

I met an older woman recently who permanently lost her hair after being given ether during the delivery of her two children; she has been wearing wigs for over 50 years. I don’t know what options she had when she first started wearing wigs, but these days, so many wonderful possibilities exist. From gorgeous full wigs made of high-grade Russian human hair to less expensive wigs made of coarser Indonesian or Chinese hair, or wigs crafted from a variety of impressive new synthetics, the options have considerably improved. It takes a full-fledged commitment to figure out what will work best for each person. For some, hair extensions are the answer; for others, a small piece to add fullness to the top of the head does the trick. For some women, a full wig is necessary. The level of comfort is also a viable consideration, as is the versatility of the piece—can a woman swim in her wig? Will the piece require a good amount of time and preparation in order for a woman to feel ready for public outings?

None of these considerations are trivial. They say a woman’s crowning glory is her hair. Without it, the world sees her as ill or disfigured, inevitably affecting the way she sees herself. Hair so powerfully symbolizes sexuality that it will take some time for us to be as neutral toward the idea of a balding woman as we are toward balding men.

My heart goes out to all the women who expend the enormous amounts of time, energy, and money it takes to manage their hair loss, and to those who suffer the psychological grief of losing their “crowning glory.” I extend a special thanks to those who, like Gibson, have become comfortable enough with their hair loss to break the silence of shame.

The Stress Test for the Candidates

Watching news coverage of the presidential election campaigns can be exhausting. The relentless campaign schedules call forth memories of childhood books, whereby Dick and Jane become Obama and McCain, except the candidates—not their pets—do the running. “See Obama run!” says Fox news; “Run, McCain, run!” says CNN.
And run they do: the candidates race from city to city and town to town, speaking at multiple meetings and city halls, appearing as guests on television talk shows and swinging by swing states in an effort to secure more votes. All this, and the presumed candidates haven’t even chosen their running mates yet. Even watching their travels exhausts me; I can only imagine the levels of energy these nominees must exude, the levels of stress these men endure.
No matter how comfortable the plane, flying is a stressful endeavor. The presidential candidate jet-setters lack the ability to sit down and relax, to watch reality television and check out. They are constantly away from the comforts of their homes, the consistent warmth of their families, their pets, their beds. Instead, the presidential nominees spend their time with the media, shake hands with strangers, kiss babies that aren’t theirs, and sleep on their feet. The public does not allow their candidates the normalcy of an eight-hour day.
What do these candidates do to relieve the stress of campaigning, the stresses of keeping their children out of the public eye, designing policies and then redesigning the policies, keeping their faces bright and shining in front of the cameras, hoping their wives will continue to support them when they can’t even kiss them goodnight?
Do they practice yoga? Do they meditate? Do they install exercise machinery on the airplane, using their time in the air to work up a sweat? Do they get enough sleep? Do they get any sun? Do they take hot baths with scented oils? Do they throw around a football? How do these men relieve the constant stress they endure?
We, as a public, have come to expect this superhuman effort from our presidential candidates, even though we would never want to perform this way ourselves. If we caught Obama or McCain “indulging” in a 20-minute power nap, we might even think he was slacking off.
John McCain is in his early 70s, and the negative effects of stress on the heart of a septuagenarian are common knowledge. But even younger men, like Barack Obama, are not safe from stress or its effects—stress physiologically affects us all.  Still, we expect our candidates to handle the rigors of the campaign trail. We constantly watch and judge our candidates—and when every word one says is analyzed for impact, one can’t be tired or stressed, because one slip of the tongue could mean the demise of a campaign, the ruination of a name that had the potential to change our country for the better.
We use the constant stress of campaigning to gauge how well our candidates will be able to handle those 3 a.m. phone calls to the White House, knowing that the fate of the free world depends on how much calm and clarity they can elicit during times of crisis. Still, I, for one, would feel better knowing these candidates were taking an occasional day off to rest, a few unscheduled hours to accommodate a nap in a hammock or a laugh with friends, to sip a beer in the back yard and enjoy some sun.
Instead of running the candidates through a maze of appearances without any rest, my test for the candidates would be to put them on a solitary weekend retreat, with no access to blackberries, iPhones, faxes, computers, or any other form of communication. Could they manage an entire two days without going crazy, without thinking the world would collapse without them? A person who knows how to be with himself, by himself, a person who can allow himself to de-stress, in my book is a winner—at the very least, in terms of his physical and psychological health.

A slew of California weddings will transpire this week as gay marriage, for the first time, becomes legal in the state. West Hollywood is thrilled; Modesto is not. Many towns and cities across California are preparing to boost their economies through wedding and honeymoon services for homosexual couples.  Other individuals, though, are responding less favorably—Kern County Auditor-Controller-County Clerk Ann Barnett, for instance, decided to stop performing all weddings after unsuccessfully trying to resign her position as county clerk while keeping her other titles intact.  Barnett’s response likely results from her conservative religious beliefs, spurred by a pastor who is strongly opposed to gay marriage.

Just because the majority of people are heterosexual does not mean the homosexual minority is any less cap able of sustaining stable, long-term relationships—so why would the American majority work to deny a minority the same civil rights they’ve been allowed to enjoy?

My eyes were opened to the realities of sexuality when I started to raise animals.  I had a real menagerie, raising everything from ducks, cattle, and horses to chickens and llamas.

The first llama I acquired was a stud, named Valentino for his healthy sexual appetite.  When he was delivered to my home, his seller leaned over and whispered me some sound advice: “Get him a bale of hay,” she said.  I obliged, and when I wheeled that bale of hay into his pen, Valentino promptly mounted it.  Valentino was so horny that he would mount that bale of hay every day.

Llamas, for those of you who don’t know, take their sweet time with sex. They don’t ejaculate; instead, they emit a constant drip over 45 minutes.  Pretty soon, the neighbors were coming over to check out the show.  I’m positive I overheard at least one wife say to her husband, “Look, honey, how long it takes him!”

We also had a gelding, which I named Bambi.  Valentino was equally as interested in Bambi as in his bale of hay.  At first, I assumed it was because Bambi was a gelding—meaning that Bambi was castrated and thus did not have a clear gender.  Later, when my husband and I started breeding llamas, I learned that studs are interested in anything they can mount, regardless of relation or gender, and we had to keep Valentino separated from his siblings in order to prevent inbreeding.

All my animals seemed blissfully bisexual—and their sexual behaviors are not unique to them, either.  After all, humans are part of the same animal kingdom.  With my observations of the animals’ sexual behaviors as a model for human sexuality, I concluded long ago that human sexuality moves on a continuum, unique to each person and based on the hormones they receive from the Creator.  Sexuality is most certainly an in-born orientation, and most definitely not a choice.

So why are my fellow Judeo-Christians in the United States so homophobic? Why in the world are people so worried about gay marriage? Oh, I’ve heard the myriad arguments: marriage is between one man and one woman (tell that to the FLDS); gay relationships are immoral (even though we allow convicted felons of all sorts—even child molesters—to get married); marriage is for procreation (uh, I don’t see our government legislating against childless heterosexual couples).  But in the face of these inadequate excuses, one the question still stands: why these rationales?

The answer, simply, is Fear—and in the case of gay marriage, two separate fears.

The first is a deep cellular fear of losing power and control.  Like our animal friends, the superior male is often concerned that any male further down the ladder could potentially challenge his preferable position of power.  In animals, the weaker male submits to the stronger one—a subordinate horse will back away, a llama will kneel.  People are unconsciously afraid that this same thing will happen to them—and this has nothing to do with sex.  It has everything to do, though, with the fear of losing power and becoming subordinate.

The second fear does have to do with sex.  Most men, it seems, are incredibly frightened of having any “homosexual” feelings for another man. And these are the same men who light up at the thought of seeing two women together!

Skin is skin, whether on a man or woman, and bodies respond accordingly.  When team members pat each other on their backsides, or when young teenage boys gather together and participate in a circle jerk long before they have girlfriends, or when an “accidental” touch occurs between two members of the same gender and the body unintentionally responds, fear arises. ‘Uh-oh,’ says the subconscious, ‘I shouldn’t be feeling anything for this person—I shouldn’t be aroused. Could I be gay?’  Try talking to a man about his unconscious feelings of sensuality for other men; he will undoubtedly unravel.

Personally, I think our society puts too much stress on the sexual aspect of homosexuality.  Gay marriages are no different than straight ones.  Any marriage based entirely on sex would be lucky to last a year.  I have been married for over thirty years, and I have found that the real marriages are the partnerships.  When libidinous passions subside, you are left with the person—and if you are lucky enough to have found someone who loves and cares about you enough to continue to share a life with you, with or without young lust, then you are truly blessed.  The concepts of love, friendship, and partnership in a marriage should be considered when remarking on the sanctity of marriage as an institution—not matters of sexual preference.

The opposite of love is not hate: it is fear.  Since many Americans equate marriage with love, those who protest gay marriage fear that it will jeopardize them personally—that a change in the traditional Judeo-Christean view of marriage will somehow compromise their family, their children, their lives.  These people fear that if we depart from what our grandparents taught us, or from what we think the Bible says, chaos will undoubtedly ensue.  But I cannot see any good reason to fear gay marriage.  If your colleague at work, or your child, or your next-door neighbor wants to sanctify his/her love for another of the same gender, does it really impact anyone else’s lifestyle?

Research shows that marriage tends to promote stability, so it seems that more married couples, heterosexual or not, would actually benefit society.  Having witnessed so many Eleanor Rigbys in this world, so many people who swallow pills or eat themselves into obesity in a futile attempt to combat their loneliness and depression, I applaud those who have the guts and self-worth to choose an alternative lifestyle to increase their personal happiness. Instead of judging others and forbidding them from forming a union of happiness, I ask that we allow people to love and support one another.  Life is hard enough; why do it alone?

As the weddings commence, let us pop open some champagne and raise our glasses for those gay and lesbian partnerships now eligible for all the delights—and hazards—the rest of us have always been allowed to enjoy. Congratulations, new marriages—and good luck!